lc23tina's Diaryland Diary

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*Do I Really Want To Be Here Right Now/All You'd Want To Know About Me And More*

*Do I really want to be here right now?*

*Everything you'd want to know and more*

Yes I do...

And

No I don't

I've got a lot of things to say and I hope they all come out, and I hope I actually make some sense while doing so...

First I will give the survivor update...I wasn't eaten by a dino yet *whew, wipes brow* But apparently I held up my group...I had to distract a dino...I swear I was just looking out for fellow tribe members...Ok...Ok...Ok...I lied...I was eyeing up the men in our group and figured if I was perky and situated in my faithful wonder bra...I might get some action...LMAO! No such luck...*sigh* LOL

Ok now on with my tan update...Looking good...not too bad at all...I am kinda pissed about work now...I will be going in tomorrow and it is during the day...the best time for tans...*sigh*...So I will have to settle the rest of the summer with the one I am sporting now...soon it will fade and I will look like casper again.

Now on to the "love life"

No changes...Still single...Still no Mr.Right...for that matter there hasen't been a Mr.Wrong either...Crap this is boring...I need a date or at least someone to talk to...Or at least someone who can act interested for a while...LOL

I am still thinking about that whole church sign..."Love makes you rich" I don't think there has ever been a time where something actually stuck in my head like that did...maybe there is a hidden message in it...I might just have to switch the letters later and try to figure it out...Maybe it is something really simple...If there is anyone who may be able to answer that for me...Oh yeah the question is How does love make you rich...I know it's not talking like money in the bank...but...Ahhhhh wait a minute, I think the youngin is finally making some progress...

I'll ponder on it a bit more and write about it tomorrow...

So I start work tomorrow...It's not what I am use to...I get to sit on my ass and answer the phone and play on the computer...I am sure there is more to that, but I am looking at the fun stuff so it won't be just a job...I'll make it into an adventure...

You know I really don't like the company I will be working for, but it's a job, and you need a job to live...well it all ties in there with you need food and a roof over your head...and you got to pay for it somehow...So right now I am thinking a job is a job.

I have been sooooooo bored lately...maybe this new job will take some of that boredom away...

I can't seem to find anything that makes me tick...(searching for myself kind of deal) I have been drawing which I love to do, but I end up just crumpling up the paper...nothing seems to look right...

I have been writing a lot of poems too...but when I sit back and read them...the words are good, but the meaning isn't showing through...that just makes me mad and I end up tossing my book and I give up on the whole thing.

What I have been doing is watching a lot of T.V. now television is good when there is a hockey game on...or some good music videos, but I find myself watching Bob Vila's Home Again and some really crappy cooking shows...

Now I love to cook...I really love to cook, at my house dinner is never dull...

But those freeks never cook the meat...makes me want to puke! Who would want meat that can still walk on their plate???? not me.

Other than that...Cartoons...When I was a kid you actually learned something when you watched...Now...what the hell is going on...what are we trying to teach our kids? Some of those cartoons should not even be on!

Oh yeah, listen to me...I know I don't have kids, but I can't have them, not my choice cause I would have 50 of them...for those of you who don't know I was born with a very bad infection in my ovaries that went undiscovered until I was 19...when it almost killed me.

I have come to terms with that...And I spoil my neice's and nephew's so if you ever wonder why I have them over a lot...there is the answer...

It's weird and I just noticed that...I write everything in here, things my own closest friends don't even know...

I said before...this is my space to run from all of that...

Is it bad that I leave that out to my friends?

I love my friends and all, but...

Sometimes they are not what I need...I guess you can say we really have nothing in common, except for the fact that we went to school together...and we hang out...but they do nothing for my mind...

Don't get me wrong I wouldn't change them for the world, but have you noticed that I really only talk about a few people?

Those are the friends that I have made here, and the one's that I am really close to, the ones that know everything there is to know about me...

I am not sure if that is a good or a bad thing...I am not really sure why I am telling you all this...

I love all my new friends...I am just getting to know you all, and you have been a great impact on my life...

When I started writing this diary...I was well...very un-happy with my life I had just ended a 4 year relationship...I was suposed to get married this August...I got injured...I was off work and then eventually laid off...My life took a nose dive into concrete...I was drinking a lot...trying to deal with everything that just seemed to be spinning out of control...I made some bad ass choices and I am really glad that people just started falling into my lap...it was like a gift from the heavens...

I am now trying to focus on the things that make me, ME! It is hard to do cause it is like I am afraid of me...I think I am even afraid to love...love myself and to love another...

Which dosen't go without me wanting to love someone...

Cause I do...I want to give my all to someone...where when we are together all we feel is completness...

Am I too young to be all worried about this?

Can anyone really just give me some good advice on this, cause I think I need it...

Or is this one of those things that go bump in the night and everything makes sense?

Now I've got myself all confused.

Ok so I was already there.

I guess I just want to find real love...where ever it may be I want it...I don't care if I have to walk to hell and back...or wait forever...I just want it for one second...to be the desire and want of someone else...Is that aboslutly stupid?

Or is it a wish that will never be granted...

I have never prayed for anything but good for someone else...I pray for my friends to make it thru troubling times and I pray that everyone stays healthy...but I never ask for anything for me...Should I start?

Or does that put me in the bin marked "selfish"...

but then again...

Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayer's...

I am not a church goer...and I am not really religous, but I do belive in god, and angles and in miracles...

I guess I just have to believe in myself and the heavens above and the answers should fall at my feet...

I don't think I have asked for much, and I don't think I will ever ask for much...

These are my simple wishes.

1. To be loved

2. To give my love back

3. To one day be married

4. To live long enough to see the Leafs get a cup

5. Just be average...i don't want to be rich...just comfortable...(I have never been greedy)

That's all I ask...with the exception of a few cold beers on hot summer days...

It's not like I am asking for the stars in the sky or all the riches in the world...

5 simple little things...which once you look at them seem real easy, but for me they are not.

I WANT TO BE LOVED

Thanks for listening...wish me luck tomorrow...

I love you all my friends

-Tina-

*I hope I didn't bore you to sleep*