lc23tina's Diaryland Diary

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Ok so here I am sitting in front of my computer, thinking like always.

I just deleted 2 entries, I have never done this, but I just did, why you ask?

Did you ask why?

Ok I am going to assume you asked why...

I deleted them cause I didn't like them.

Plain and simple.

I just got finished making my rounds in the GB's, now my fingers and my brain hurts.

I was really suprised at how many people wrote 100+ things about themselves.

I really have to find that guy that got me started on it...

It was great reading them, kind of like getting to know everyone a bit more...well for me a lot more.

You see I only started meeting you wonderful people when Koror gave me his diary site and told me to check it out...soon after I thought it would be a great place to write and it has been (I do think I write too much) but you have to understand for a while there I wasn't able to go out due to the cast on my leg...now I am healed, I get pain every now and then, but for the most part I am better. A few weeks ago, not long, I was laid off from work, so I had more time on my hands...I found it nice to come in here and write about the things that I was feeling, It may have not been what everyone else was doing, but I find myself here more than once a day writing a bit more. I have to let's say, I am in a weird spot in my life.

I just got out of a really long relationship, almost 4 years...and I am more confused than ever about my life.

I have a fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life...I don't know why I have that, I guess I made myself afraid of people once I thought that anyone I cared about left me.

I have had that fear for about 8 years now, you see I blamed myself for so long about people leaving...when my father left, I blamed myself thinking that I could have been a better daughter, and I still think that now cause my father visits his other children and always seems to forget about me.

When my Uncle Bert died and I found him dead, I blamed myself for not checking on him sooner, he was my hero, I yelled and screamed at him in the funeral home cause he promised me that he would be there for me and then all of a sudden the only person I believed in and trusted was gone.

Then my best friend, got killed in front of our house...we lived next door to eachother for 5 years and I was just starting out in highschool and he was in grade 8, when we were on the same bus we would walk across the street and get the mail together, but since I was in highschool we had diffrent buses, diffrent from when I was in grade 8 and he was in 7...but anyways I would wait for him cause I would get home 20 minutes earlier than him and we would go and get the mail and then walk up to our houses, the day he was killed I didn't wait for him, I got off the bus and walked up to my house I sat at the dining room table and did my homework...my sister asked me if I got the mail and I said no that if I wasn't down there I am sure Glen would bring it up...my sister took a walk to get it instead, I seen her running up the drive and she was screaming for me to call an ambulance...I dialed 911 and she got on the phone she told me to get my ass down there and stay with Glenny...I ran so fast and when I seen him in the middle of the road with our mail in his hand I just fell to him and cried, there was blood coming out of his mouth and ears...that was such a horrible picture but one that won't erase from my mind...I stayed with him until the ambulance came and pronounced him dead, they took my best friend and I just screamed I love you and that I was sorry for not waiting, my sister had to pull me up off the pavement because I could not stand...I have blamed myself everyday for not waiting for him.

And now this, my fiancee that I loved so much...just thought it was time to discover himself and leave me in the dust...I don't know why, but it ended.

Something I try not to think about a lot but I do.

I guess I blame myself for that too.

Now things are a bit akward, cause he is now my roomate. And I never stop thinking about the times we were "together" things aren't bad, but diffrent...we vowed to be the best of friends, but sometimes that is harder than I'd like it to be.

So yeah, see I ramble in my diary just as much as I ramble in people's guestbooks.

So that brings me to another point.

I like to say hello to everyone, I don't know why really, I just want all my new friends to know that I visit thier site...

So I ramble to you all

I really hope you don't mind.

But if my friends up and leave.

I'll be to blame again.

I am done for now.

If you want to see my list of 102 things, just hit the back button.

Love You All, and thanks for being a part of my life.

-Tina-