lc23tina's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *My Writing* Ok I know I said I was done here. But I love this place so much that I had to come back. Plus I think it's the constant e-mail I've been getting from people like YOU who are reading this right now. I am going to add a disclaimer to my site which will state that from here on in, you read this diary at your own risk. And if you don't like my conditions...YOU can go fuck yourself. Please I am not being rude but I shall not or will I ever be sorry for saying exactly how I feel. I will remind you all that I write for me and no one else. If you have been reading this for a long time like most of you have you would know I say it how I feel it. I dumb it down for NO ONE. I shouldn't have to. This is my outlet. And I like it that way. For a long time I would let things sit on me till I felt so overwhelemed. That was not a good thing. I had so many things trapped inside for so long I was actually making myself sick. And I know this because I feel relief after I write. I will no longer hold back my feelings to harm myself. I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT! And it's about damn time I realize that. You or anyone else may not think that, but It's me who has to believe in myself. And I do. I really do. I will no longer be a victim to my own fears. I will no longer let people take advantge of me. Yes I was foolish and childish for calling Michelle a twinkie. And I should have been more adult like and dealt with it in that fashion. I will admit it was wrong, but if it's an appology you want, you came to the wrong place. Funny as it seems, I think I was scared of closure. In the 5 months that Brad and I have been broken up this was the first time there was actually the sense of letting go. It was this fear of being by myself. It was a fear of losing my best friend. FEAR. After all is said and done and things start going back to a somewhat normal pace... I hope we can laugh at this. I am moving. More than likely with Robbie so I can stay in the City. Either place I go to I won't be as happy as being in my own home with my own things. I have to leave so much behind. And to tell you the truth I feel alone in all of this. I am taking a different approach to it all. Seeing that this may be the breath of fresh air I've been seeking. I may not be able to update for a while, considering the move will be over the weekend and I am not sure when I will be getting the net, either at Robbie's or my Mom's place. I talked to Jay today. Fuck, I was pretty scared that last night would have been the last time talking or seeing him... We came to a decision to try not to think of what happened...and start on a fresh slate. I don't want to ignore what happened but something was definalty wrong and it is better forgotten than in both our faces. I know I would have felt totally fucked if this would have affected our freindship. He tries so hard to make me feel better, at whatever cost to him. A true friend. He didn't shove it on a shelf, he wanted to make sure that I was alright. Jay- I thank you for that. I really didn't know how much he actually does care. Somehow I am figuring there are a lot of people who care. I've got sent a lot of hugs. I am thankful for each and everyone of them. Keep them coming, my battle isn't even half over. But I will make it. I know that. Because it's time for me. I've more than likely bored the socks off everyone now... But-- That's how I feel. And now I feel better knowing that this isn't going to have to sit on my chest... So please, read at your own risk from here on in. For people who don't like what I write. 2 words... Fuck You More words... Get over it. -Tina- 5:12 p.m. - 2001-09-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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