lc23tina's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *The Jay Story...Some Other Crap Too* **Geocities is down right now, so I can't finish my homepage! Damn thing...Grrrrrr!** I will have it done sometime tomorrow. I think my decision is becoming more clear.Does this make any type of sense to anyone? Here is what I am thinking... I am not going to go to Illinois to see Craig, but I am not staying here because of Jay. I think tonight he made it very clear to me that there was no possibilty of us getting together. I am kinda...Well I wouldn't say it didn't hurt me, yes a few tears fell down my face but...I am not blaming myself either you see I think I got things fucked up right from the start. For those of you who don't know the whole story here it is. Talked to Jay on Icq. He sent me his pic and I sent him mine...I didn't talk to him after that, not sure why or the length of time...Whatever it's not important. One day we started chatting again. We talked and decided to hook up, the first time we schedualed out a meeting it didn't happen, only because I was cramping like a mad bitch. Ok like you wanted to know that right?. So anywho one day not too long ago we met, we went for a really long walk by the river, we played on the swings and acted like total idiots. It was a good time. I honestly never thought I would see him again since I have this curse on me with men. But suprsingly enough we hung out again, this time if my memory is right we went to his place for movies and beer. I am not one to turn down a cold beer :) I stayed the night and we went out to my Mom's the next day for a BBQ. My whole family adores him, thought he was a really nice mannered and funny guy. By this time I was hooked. I told him how I felt (A BIG NO-NO). And things went from Ok I am cool with this to hold on chica back the fuck up. Then came that e-mail which told me about the fear to commit. Is this the line all men use? I've gotten twice in the same year. Brad used that line when he dumped me. Ok so he likes me as a "friend". We have hung out more and more since than, I feel so comfotable with him...(this is turning out to be a bad thing) Only because I want something a bit more than what he does. I don't think he is seeing anyone else, Ok he told me he isn't seeing anyone else and that he cares for me but... Wouldn't you know it, there is always a but. Now it's getting harder and harder to say good-bye to him, god if you haven't figured out that I am head over heels for him your nuts. But this was pretty clear tonight. I told him something VERY personal tonight... And then I felt like an ass for doing so. He says: nothing to feel like a loser about!......you know my situation and how I feel about things......I don't know if and when that will change.......if ever....but thats my problem!...... I think but don't say: Don't you think this would be my problem too considering I pour my heart and soul to you...I adore you to shit...O man *Then I smack myself in the head for good measure* He says: this is so hard to explain! GRRR I think: If you only knew how I was feeling buddy. He says: I think I am going to borrow that rock you hide under for a while!........but I have to get your snow man out of there first he's hogging all the room from when you took him there! I think: Buddy...I am already there, I even booted my snowman out! Ok YOU! I understand there is a fear of commitment. I know this because you told me why. But I am not any other girl. I am me. Is there something wrong with that? If there is I wanna know, I have a right dammit! Not like I will change for you...I change for no one, I just wanna know if there is a problem. No matter what the answer or what I find out over time, I will be his friend. Like I am now. Still utterly and totally confused. But hey, that's just me. I AM THE BIGGEST LOSER YOU WILL EVER MEET. Please hop on the wagon and we can all be loser's together. Please send me $100 dollars (set up fee) cash only! You ain't bouncing a check on my time people! And this will get you a life time membership into my exclusive club for losers. *NOTE* You must be a loser, JUST like me. Ok so on to the other happening's of the night. Wanda got her net, I guided her into the world of e-mail. I gave her my addy to get here and I hope she stops by. Other than that I have been working on my hompage. I will be adding a link here so you can check it out. The title: "I am not a beauty queen, thank god I never said I was." I am going to post pics of me and my family and my kitties :) So be sure to check it out. I should have it done tonight so for you early readers...you will get the first peek. I am outta here for now to get that crap done. It's been a long night to say the least. I hope YOU don't get pissed for me writing this...It was on my head and I needed to get it out. Nighty-night. Thanks for coming by... Oh do you want fries with that? -Tina- 1:31 a.m. - 2001-10-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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