lc23tina's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *Come Back Another Day* Lord only knows how hard I have tried to get an entry in here tonight. Some how everything thing just seemed to find me at a time where I just didn't want to be bothered. Just got back home from going with Wanda to pick up Barb from work. I was just about to the end of writing and my cousin Shelly sends me an IM telling me that Barb is sick at work and needs someone to pick her up. So Wanda said that she would since she was up, and she asked me to go for the ride, so I did. I missed calling John on his break so I am just going to wait till 3 and give him a ring, I am not tired tonight despite my constant yawns. I've had a lot on my mind today and really it's wearing thin on my nerves. I just need someone to "spill the beans to" and since my diary just lets me type without saying a word I am going to fill this page with bull shit, just because I feel like writing. My advice to you, my readers is just to come back later when I have something a little more to say. For those of you who stay my appoligies. I am happy, I keep telling myself that, but there is only so much of a lie that I can take. I am not happy...I am not happy with this situation I am in at home, here I feel isolated from everything that goes on in this house, like everyone has something to whisper about, and it has to be about me or why else would they be whispering? I am trying, trying to be social and talk with them, but I feel like a lot of the times what I have to say isn't what they want to hear, I tell it how it is and my family even more than my friends have a hard time dealing with that fact. But like I have said before I will not ever cheat myself on what I feel, that's what makes me who I am, and frankly, I like how I am. I see things that others are blind to see, at least that's how I feel, but I am sure there are many people out there like this, so I am not in a world of my own. What I mean is I take it all in, I sit back and observe things without judging, only because my biggest fear in the world is people judging me. I am quiet and like to be alone with my thoughts and when I comment I look at things from many sides before I go with something...Does this make sense or am I just making a whole lot of mumble? Ahhhh fuck it who cares if I am! I still feel like a failure, I can't seem to kiss enough ass around here, I pull more than my own weight and still I feel like I cannot do enough to win apporval of these people, call me silly because I don't normally seek aproval from anyone but with my family I feel there is something left to prove. Not sure why. Another thing that has been eating me for the past few days is John. I love him, never thought I would say that, but I do. I feel so complete right now with him, a feeling...A feeling that I love. But I am scared. I am entering a funk, and I am not sure how he is going to react to this, it scares the fuck out of me. I've wanted to tell him over the past few days but every time I try there is something holding me back telling me thta this might scare him, and then once again I will lose something that I love. Let me explain this the only way I know how. December is coming, over the past few years I have had a very hard time come December, not easily understood. I know this because every relationship I have been in suddenly makes a turn for the worse, and I am to blame for that. You see I turn myself into this little ball trying to hide from all things that hurt me. This year will be 10 years since Uncle Bert died, I am already thinking of the time, the day, the events, every single thing I remember about that day. I pray that I forget and yet I hope I never lose these thoughts. What a way to contradict myself eh? I'm not sure if people understand just how much of an impact that man made on my life. I miss him so much, I would give anything, even my own life to see him again even if only for a second. Just to tell him that I love him, something I never got to do. I think that's why it has bothered me for so many years, I never got to tell the only man I ever really trusted that I loved him, no good bye, nothing. That's why I hide. I blame myself for not checking on him sooner, for not telling him that I loved him, for just standing there frozen looking at his body and not being able to run faster for help... I hide because I can't escape. And now, I am going to be dragging John down in this. I wish I would have thought of these things sooner than now. I am begining to come around with John, feeling more open to him and yet I could not spit this out to him, in fear he would look at me like I had three eyes or something. I hope with all this love I am feeling I might be able to deal with everything I know I will be feeling. I don't want to have to say I am sorry for feeling the way I do, I don't think anyone knows just how this feels to me. And I don't want to sound like a DRAMA queen with my life either. Just something about this, wont go away. Everyone has demons, this is mine. I can't help it. And it scares me. Another thing is I don't want to hide from John. He is worth way more than that, so what do I do? Pretend to be happy when I feel overtaken? Or do I tell him and hope that he understands? Either way, I am going to have to make it through, because I love him, I just hope I don't shut him out. So much to think about, worry about... Answers will never come easy for me. I am starting to like this challenge. I think I am done here. Sorry for the crap, just needed to write. -Tina- 1:58 a.m. - 2001-11-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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