lc23tina's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me?* I'm sitting here again writing in my shell. I call my diary my shell because it's my only place I feel safe to say what I feel, here I don't care who, what, where, when. It's about me. I sit here tonight amongst my mini mars bar wrappers trying to ease my mind...trying...not succeeding. Today was just BLAH, every aspect...blah. Every moment...Blah! (you get the picture). On top of being ill, I got some news today that bit my ass. I mean really bit my ass, maybe I'm over reacting... Do you ever just want to say "Tina, get over your sorry ass self"? I bet many of you have thought about that... I've even thought of saying it to myself. I was sleeping, resting my aching bones and throat, I heard the phone ring but was too lazy to hop out of bed and take the three steps towards the phone to answer it. I heard Mom say "She's sleeping right now"...I piped up thinking it was John and said I'll get up. When I picked up the phone it was Barb, she called to inform me that Becky had her surgery. B-e-c-k-y...had her surgery? The one where she could have died, or became a vegetable...that surgery?? She went on to tell me that she had the surgery a few days ago, and she was doing well. She has to go and get another part of the tumor removed. She gave me the room number and told me what hospital she is in...I wrote it down. Got off the phone with her and peeled carrots as my eyes filled up with tears. Mom was in the kitchen, I just said in a low crackly voice "I'm glad she's ok". I chopped the carrots and put them in a pan and then came in my room and cried. Why did I cry? Because I felt like it. I was hurt. After everything Becky and I ever went thru...no one took the time to call me or e-mail me to tell me she was going in for the opperation. In case you don't know... Becky and I were best friends for 6 years. SIX YEARS. We went to highschool together, got trashed together, cried on eachother, loved eachother. Damn she was my best friend for 6 years! She stopped talking to me December 17th, 1999. One day after my birthday, because her boyfriend didn't like me. This year, I found her e-mail address, after writing many letters by hand and mailing them (at least 2 a month), I sent her an e-mail. We kept in contact for months. She finally told me about the tumor. She said she was scared because the chances of her making a full recovery were slim. I promised her that I would be by her side, day and night, whatever was needed. She in turn promised me that she would let me know all the details about when she went in. But she was thinking about getting back together with her bf. (this might be why she didn't tell me). I'm upset. Should I be? I miss her. I love her and I hope she makes a healthy recovery. But I'm still mad at the fact that she didn't even think about calling me to tell me. I guess I just don't mean anything...Have I ever? Barb called while I was watching Dawson's Creek and said that she called the hospital and got to talk to Becky...I know, don't fill my guestbook with shit saying you care. I don't want to hear it. I don't care, why should any of you. I sorry for being bitter, I really am but I'm feeling like shit right now. Since I am on a rant I might as well go off about Craig too. We are no longer speaking to one another because he's an ass. I've mentioned that he started dating his friend April. I was happy for him because I know what he has had to go through this year. When he started dating her we would still talk at least twice a week because Craig and I are buddies. When I started dating John, I called him figuring that he would be happy for me, but instead I got this fucked up attitude thrown at me. Where if I was dating someone I was no longer worthy of his friendship. Yeah it bit my ass too. Earlier tonight I got the "Dear Tina" e-mail where he wrote all this crap and expected me to buy it. I wrote back simply saying that I wished him luck in life, school and his new relationship. I'm not letting things bother me anymore. It drains too much of my energy. So that's my shit... Anyways...Today was spent coughing my fool head off and spraying my throat with Chloraseptic. I took a nap tonight (see above)...Put myself in a nasty mood. Watched The Simpsons, talked to John on the computer. Then I nestled into my ass groove on the couch to watch Dawson's Creek. It was a very good episode. When that was done I called and talked to Brad until John beeped in. Brad and I talked for a long time tonight discussing a bunch of things. John and I spoke for a bit and then I decided to come on the net and hunt down an IQ test that we both want to take. We tried to play a game of pool but his computer booted him off so I took the loss and just talked to him thru Yahoo! Now I am here. I wish I could hug him right now, somehow he knows what to say to make me feel better, actually he knows how to do many things that makes me feel better and smile. I'm glad I have that right now. I need his words, I need him...more than I ever thought.
Love took me by the hand Love took me by surprise Love led me to you And love opened up my eyes And I was drifting away like a drop in the ocean And now I realize that nothing has been as beautiful As when I saw heaven's skies In your eyes In your eyes And every time I drift away I lose myself in you And now I see I can be me In everything I do 'Cause I was feeling as small as a drop in the ocean And now I realize that nothing has been as beautiful As when I saw heaven's skies In your eyes In your eyes Love took me by the hand Love took me by surprise And I was drifting away like a drop in the ocean And now I've realized that nothing has been as beautiful As when I saw heaven's skies In your eyes In your eyes Night. -Tina- 10:23 p.m. - 2001-11-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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