lc23tina's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *It's Not Often That I Lose My Cool...But Today...I Did And I Feel Horrible About It* I need to be here right now, I'm hiding from myself at the moment. I need to cool off and since writing calms me...I'm here. I need to scream and yell at someone or something, and since my diary never yells back I can get it all out here. I'm feeling horrible. It's VERY seldom that I lose my temper, but today, I lost it and now I'm paying for it. I can usually grin and shake off the stuff that is said to me. I am reminded constantly that I am a failure. Not only that I am a failure but I'm stupid too. I thought things would be a bit different after taking that step towards my Mom. But it's not, like everything we talked about dosen't matter anymore and my life or lack there of gets pushed down again. I have never been happy with myself, maybe it's because normally I have that constant reminder of how "bad" I am/I was whatever. Honestly, I was a good kid. I never got into trouble. But I did speak my mind, and for that...I was pinned "bad". I've tried all my life to impress everyone, impress might not be the right word here, but I tried to be pleasing...helpful...son of a bitch, what's the right word???? Ok maybe this sentace will work for me...I tried to win their approval. Being the youngest I was left out on a lot of things, the closest sibling I have is 9 years older than me. Growing up I didn't have many friends because, I don't know why, I've always been one to keep to myself. So being accepted at home was something I needed, something I wanted and still do. I don't normally mention family problems here but tonight I need to. When my sister's left home it left Me, Mom and Albert. Well basically Me and Albert. My Mom has been addicted to bingo for many years, something I wish she would grow out of but who am I to say anything. Don't take this the wrong way, she is a good person and I love her but when she goes and blows cash and then feels bad about it she takes it out on everyone, and most of the time it's me. I guess I am an easy target, only because I let her do it to me over and over again. Regardless I love her. Things have changed in the past few year though. A lot of things and I don't know where my problem lies really. When she hooked up with Larry she changed. I mean I am glad that she is happy, but I don't believe in a lot of the things she does now. I know I am living at home free of charge and I should be greatful because she didn't have to let me back in. I am greatful, but I do pull my own weight, even more than my own weight. No matter what I do, or what I say...nothing is right. I had a big fear of coming home a failure. Right from the start I should have found somewhere else to go. My worst fear is this. Today...There was a build up, a build up that started from the time I woke up to the time I let it go. I was on the computer and I overheard her tell Wanda to make sure I was off the computer by 6 p.m. just incase Larry called. Every single Thursday I am reminded that I have to be off the computer by 6 p.m. just incase Larry calls. EVERY THURSDAY! Wanda came into my room and told me that Mom wanted her to tell me to be off the computer. I told her that I knew to be off of the computer. I said "She tells me that every Thursday, I think I know by now!". I got off of the computer before 5 p.m. I promised Wanda that I would help her with some stuff on her computer so I went upstairs, which means the phone line for the house was free. I sat at her computer and started fixing things when my Mom says from her room "Tina, I want you off the computer by 6 p.m. just incase Larry calls to say what time the pennysaver will be ready!". I lost it. I LOST IT, that just drove me mad. I said in a yell "I AM OFF OF THE COMPUTER, YOU TELL ME THE SAME THING EVERY THURSDAY! I KNOW TO BE OFF OF THE COMPUTER, I AM NOT BRAIN DEAD YOU KNOW!" She just said "you don't have to yell, I was just saying". I said but you told Wanda to tell me to, do you really think I am that stupid?". She said in a bitchy voice "I give up with you". I said "fuck it". Haven't spoken since. I am not stupid and I am getting sick of people making me feel that way. I've been so upset since then that I feel sick. I asked Wanda to take me to Brad's tonight, he had some money for me. So we took the drive into the city to get that and to visit with him for a bit, I got to see my cats. I miss those little fur balls. Spice is getting fat, and Spunkie is losing hair, I noticed patches missing from her, and asked Brad about it, he said that he didn't see them yesterday, but they were there tonight when he got home from work. I told him that Robbie better not be hurting her because I would kill the asshole if he was. I told him to keep a close eye on her and call me if there is anything wrong. Johnny slept to late to come over tonight. We got to talk on the computer for a little bit before he had to go to work. I was a bit distant with him tonight, it was a build up with everything I've had on my head. Now I feel bad about that. I just didn't want to really talk about the days events with him. I really hate having people worry about me. I know I need open up more to him, but it still feels a little weird trusting him with my feelings. Let me tell you, I am sure glad I have him though, I am lucky. VERY LUCKY! I am also lucky to have my friends, like always each, in their own way, even after I asked for no comments lent a bit of wisdom to me. Like always I give credit where credit is due, so thanks to all of you :) I have a favor to ask of you people, please pray for *S* she lost her grandmother and needs a little help through a tough time, say a prayer for her and her family. Mouse update...I have three!!!! THREE and they are the cutest little dudes and dudettes that you could ever see. Names are Geraldo, Sally and Oprah. But I really only know Geraldo because he has a funky ear. They didn't take well to the cornflakes on the window, but they sure like peanut butter on bread :) I'm outta here for tonight. I miss John and I'm tired, I think I am going to get my butt in the shower and then head off to my bed. I hope I see John tomorrow. At the latest Saturday, I'm starting to have withdrawls. Ending this entry, I just hope that one day I won't feel like a failure to my family. Night. -Tina- 10:31 p.m. - 2001-11-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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