lc23tina's Diaryland Diary

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*The Weekend In A Nutshell*

The jackass or jackasses who are writing shit in my chat box can stop any time now...GROW UP!

I'm home now, it just took me a long time to get here to update. When I got home I went and talked to Wanda for a little while and then I came on the net to check my e-mail and read the diaries that I have been missing for the past couple of days. I had John add the previous entry because he mentioned that people were going to start to wonder why I hadn't updated.

I had a long and emotionally tiring week. Somehow I let everything beat me down, I felt like shit with all of that, plus I had a run with some muck making me sick, I must say the cold is cleared up for the time being and I am feeling a whole lot better.

The situation here at home is not the best right now, when I got home tonight it was exactly the same as when I left, with the excepiton of Wanda of course, she was happy to see me and hear about my weekend. My Mother passed me in the hallway and just said "hello" nothing more, nothing less. Maybe it's better that she didn't say anything else because it would have probably been something reminding me of just how stupid I am, or something like that.

Anywho, like I said it has been a little rough for me over the past few days here, I am hoping that this "mood" will pass soon, but I doubt I can get that lucky. With all of this stuff going on, I was convinced that I was stupid. I was convinced that I will never amount to anything and let me tell you...I was to the point where I wanted to just say fuck it and leave this place, had no idea where I would have went but my thoughts of leaving here were strong.

I don't want to hurt anyone by writing this and I don't want to hurt John, but I need to say this because it was how I felt, and it will let him know just how much I appricated his time. When I was feeling really shitty I thought about ending it with him, just telling him that I wasn't ready for us to continue dating. I was at this point where I didn't want to drag him in my dirt, I know when things add up and get me feeling bad, I can be a bit hard to handle. I didn't want to hurt him by bringing him into this mess of things. But instead I opened up to him, I didn't feel the need to push him out because he was right there. What I mean is, he kept his word. He was there for me, he listened to what I had to say, and even when the tears came down my face, he reminded me once again that he was here for me no matter what.

On Friday he called me before he left to go with Rob for lunch, he said that he would call me when he got home and we would go from there with plans for the night. He called me at about 5 p.m. (I think) and we talked, still undecided on what we would do, I was trying in my own little way to rush his butt over here, but we kept on talking. Finally he said that he was coming over. I hadn't seen him since Tuesday, I know that's not a long time but I knew seeing him would pick up my mood, which it did. When he got here I was curled up on the couch under my blankets watching T.V., he joined me on the couch and we watched a bit. I seen that my Mom left and then through the window it looked like Wanda was crying so I excused myself from John and talked with her. She was upset about a few things too, it seems like all the problems have been distributed to the both of us and she needed to talk too. I talked with her and then she asked if John and I would go into Amherstburg to the grocery store to pick up some cake mixes. John and I had planned on going to the store for some ice cream, so we left to go get that stuff. On the drive there he said that he was going to give Lynn and Kevin a call to see if they wanted us to go over for a visit. So we went to the grocery store, I bought 2 cake mixes for Wanda and I bought us some Ben & Jerry's: Coffee, Coffee, Buzz, Buzz ice cream. John said that he was going to look at something while I paid for the stuff. When we left the grocery store he called Lynn and Kevin and said that we were going to stop over for a visit. I had seen someone from my past in the grocery store that I didn't want to see again so I was in kind of a hurry to get to John's car. In the car he gave me a gift. A Frosty the Snowman Christmas stocking!!!!!!!!! It's awesome. But I was a bit ticked off because of the price...But I love it because Frosty ROCKS!, and it was from John...

We stopped off at Timmy's before going to Lynn and Kevin's. We picked up a box of donuts and coffee and tea for them. We sat about there for a little while chatting and such, then we headed back here to give Wanda the cake mixes. On the drive home is when we got talking about things here at home, and that's when I knew that I wanted this relationship more than ever. It's not just because he lends me that support that I've never had, but because I love him and I want to be there to do the exact same things for him. I just wish he wouldn't worry so much about me.

I told him how I felt about everything, I cried because I got myself a little worked up, but his words made me feel better about my situation and myself. I felt like this huge wieght had been lifted off my chest.

When we got back home we came into my room to eat some ice cream and veg out, the ice cream was freezer burnt and tasted like hell. So I made myself some dinner because it was "fend for yourself" night. I made some pasta and John brought breadsticks so I popped those in the oven, and ate that for dinner.

When I was done eating we came back into my room and we talked some more and played on the net, he took one of those IQ test and I took a wee nap on my bed. He joined me after a little while, then he asked if I wanted to go to his place for the night. I was kind of surprised but I said "yes". I got some clothes thrown together and we were on our way out the door when I remembered that I didn't do my dishes, so I asked him to wait about 10 minutes so I culd do them so I wouldn't get bitched at when I got home. I did the dishes with his help and then we were out the door. When we got there it was late so we went to bed. When we got up on Satuday morning I had a shower, and then John grabbed one. We left to go grocery shopping. First we stopped off at Canadian Tire and looked around in there, he had to buy some goop for his car. I had a car lesson in there, I kept asking him what the gunk was for, I have no clue about cars at all. When I was done Cars 101, we went on over to the grocery store so he could get some food. We seen his friend in there, that dude was a hoot and a half, John was on his cell phone, I think talking to his brother and the dude kept saying that John liked hairy nipples, I almost pissed my pants in the grocery store...LOL.

When we were done in there we went over to his Dad's place, but when we got there he wasn't home so we went to the lobby to get a pop and I seen Bill (Mom's Ex) I was soooooo happy to see him, we stood there and talked with him for a bit, I know where he lives now, hopefully John will want to go and visit with him one of these days. It was sure nice to see him again.

We went back to his Dad's apartment and watched some Simpsons until he got home, Kenny (John's Bro) was there. Before we went to dinner John had to go to another friends place to pick up his camera from the halloween party. I want pictures of that night for sure! So Johnny, you better get doubles...

We stayed there for a few minutes and then we left to go to dinner, we went with Kenny (John's Bro) and their friends, really nice people. Had a nice dinner at the Chinese food place there in Essex.

When dinner was over we stayed outside the resturant and talked for a bit before heading back to John's Father's to pick up the groceries that he left there while we went out.

After that we went back to John's place, because Kenny and John had company coming over for a visit, when they got there John and I were in his bedroom doing Jane Fonda's workout...LOL, had our feet on the wall upside down kind of thing (I was hyper). We chatted with them and hung...They are really nice people. Damn I wish John was here, he could at least help me out with these names! Anywho Kenny left for work and we played a card game. They made some funk ass noises, it was funny as all hell.

They left about midnight, I think, could have been later...

John and I went to bed, got up this morning and he made some breakfast. We spent the entire day just chillin' in his apartment, it was nice.

He made a very nice dinner, veal cutlets with chesse and brocolli, brussle sprouts (steamed), breadsticks and butter and herb noodles. VERY GOOD! For dessert we had pastries with raspberry stuff inside.

This weekend was totally wonderful! I have John to thank for it. I had a BLAST! Spending time with him is awesome!! I appricated everything.

I didn't want the weekend to end. On the way home I wanted to tell him how much I enjoyed it, but I shyed away, not even sure why. When we were in the driveway I thanked him. I guess I wanted to be face to face with him when I told him.

I called him on his break tonight, damn...I miss him already.

Now I am sitting here waiting for some songs to download.

O Town- All or nothing at all

Dave Matthews Band- The space between

Lifehouse- Breathing

I think that's it.

Well for now I am off. Going to have a few games of euchre and then I am going to bed.

I want to say thank you to all of the people that came in this week to say something nice to me and support me. Special thanks to Ginger,Justin for those guestbook signing's both made me cry and most of all made me very happy that I am who I am, and to *S* for talking to me, and letting me be her friend. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, you don't know how much it meant to me.

And of course, Thanks to John. For being everything to me. I love you.

LIFEHOUSE: EVERYTHING

find me here

and speak to me

I want to feel you

I need to hear you

you are the light

that's leading me to the place

where I find peace again

you are the strength

that keeps me walking

you are the hope

that keeps me trusting

you are the light to my soul

you are my purpose

you're everything

and how can I stand here with you

and not be moved by you

would you tell me how could it be

any better than this

you calm the storms

and you give me rest

you hold me in your hands

you won't let me fold

you still my heart

when you take my breath away

would you take me in take me deeper now

and how can I stand here with you

and not be moved by it

would you tell me how could it be

any better than this

and how can I stand here with you

and not be moved by you

would you tell me how could it be

any better than this

cause you're all I want

you're all I need

you're everything.. everything

you're all I want

you're all I need

you're everything.. everything

you're all I want

you're all I need

you're everythiny.. everything

you're all I want

you're all I need

everything.. everything

and how can I stand here with you

and not be moved by you

would you tell me how could it be

any better than this

and how can I stand here with you

and not be moved by you

would you tell me how could it be

any better any better than this

and how can I stand here with you

and not be moved by it

would you tell me how could it be

any better than this

would you tell me how could it be

any better than this

Well that's the end.

Nighty Night.

-Tina-

2:45 a.m. - 2001-11-19

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