lc23tina's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *Just Another One Of My Many Rambles* I am freaking. I know I should not live my life thinking about what other people think of me, but this time...When I opened the fridge this afternoon all I seen was FAT. So I opted for crakers, Wheat Thins to be exact. I munched on a few and then called it quits. Tonight John and I went to Lynn and Kevin's for a visit. John came into the room with a slice of pie and ice cream. He gave me a bite and as soon as it entered my mouth I started thinking and wishing it were fat free. I'll be honest and the first one to admit that I am a little ROUND around the edges, but not once in my life have I ever really considered myself to be "FAT". I am 5'10, I have meat on my bones...Mabye too much for some, but it has never affected my health so I thought I was doing alright. I fit into regular clothes. I wonder if the person who said that to me actually thought about how "I" would take it? Or was it just a way to try and break me down again? If I were to be this "MODEL" perfect little size 2 would they just find another thing to pick on me about? I am going to try not to let it bother me. It's just ONE person's opinion. I've never HUNG UP on a person before. Today I did. John and I were talking about "the issues". I tried to explain to him what has been on my mind, and he took it the wrong way. He said "I read in your diary that there is something else you want to talk to me about". I wanted to avoid the issue because I am one who would rather sit down in front of him and talk then to be on the phone. But the disscussion didn't stop there. I said "no matter what I write in my diary about us is always going to make you "question" things". So he said he was not going to read my diary anymore. I don't want him to stop reading my diary. I tried to explain that to him, but something just wasn't getting through, and it's not what he said or didn't say that made me mad, it was just how the words came out of his mouth. I got a little fusterated and my first reaction was to hang up the phone. Bad move on my part, because once I did that I just cried and connected to internet so he could not call me back. But my plan was foiled when we popped on line and asked me to talk to him. Damn Yahoo! After a while of just ignoring him I finally gave in and said it all. I scared him and I scared myself. STUPID ME! I just like getting myself into trouble. But things are 100% better. I think we settled into a nice understanding of one another. Tonight that sparkle in his eye was back. And it may sound weird and all but, our time, our intimate time felt...like the first night. You know, the fuzzy feeling, the butterflies in the tummy. It was all there and it was perfect. I asked John tonight as we laid in bed in eachothers arms "Why is when you love someone, you have the biggest fear?" He said that "Because the past comes back to bite you in the ass, and knowing how long you've looked for "LOVE" and knowing that you have it makes you not want to lose it". It made sense to me. I told him that he should be a philospher. He said that he could never put into words what he tells me. And that most of the times the things that he comes up with amazes even him. I am going to conduct a poll, men versus females on bathroom reading material, you'll see what I mean. Keep a look out for that one :) Can't you tell I'm back to writing? LOL. I think I am going to end this insanly long entry now. Have a wonderful night. -Tina- P.S. John--I love you :) 1:32 a.m. - 2002-01-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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