lc23tina's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The end of 2002. 2002 is finally over!!!! I stood in my sisters living room watching the TV waiting for Dick Clark to bring in the New Year. Once the ball dropped and the sign lit up for 2003, after the hollers at my sisters settled I went about giving the traditional hugs and kisses saying Happy New Year at least 2 dozen times. Then I kissed and hugged John. I didn't tell him I loved him, I didn't say anything sweet or romantic, I just took his face in my hands and looked at him and said "at least it's finally over". It's a new year, a new start. Something to have hope in. A new day to believe that maybe this year will be better. I have alot to look bak on. *I turned 25 this year. The big age when you are supposed to be all grown up. *I went through the hardest thing in my entire life. Losing my baby Shane. *I started working for a great company. *John and I seen our one year dating anniversary. The best thing that has EVER happened in my life. I am pretty sure we will see many more years. *I made new friends, and started talking to old ones. There were so many more things that have happened, but those being the most important. Going into a little bit of detail... Turning 25 was a lot different than what I thought it was going to be. You can read about that here. John and I found out that we were expecting our first baby. It was all ups and downs at first. I don't think we knew what to think. I was very emotional. Something that I was told was never going to happen was in fact happening. Every day John and I got more and more excited about the thought of having a baby. We wanted a boy so bad, I really wanted him to play for the Maple Leafs and bring his Mom home a Stanley Cup. We had high hopes. On December 19th I started spotting. I had no pain and from what I read, sometimes spotting happens, if there was no pain, it was basically nothing to worry about. Then came the pain, it was bad enough that I called John at 2a.m. to have him come home from work to take me to the emergency room. I was told there by the Triage nurse that as long as the spotting wasn't red, there wasn't much to worry about. I went to the washroom and I discovered blood, red blood. Of course I started to panic and went back to let him know the changes. We didn't wait to long before seeing the doctor. I was checked out and sent home at 6 a.m., booked for a vaginal ultrasound in the morning. I came home and tried to sleep, but the pain was getting stronger and I was worried sick. The hospital called, my appointment was for 10 a.m. We got dressed and went in. John was there for the ultrasound, We could see the picture of our baby, he didn't look much like a baby. I knew something wasn't right and I told John that, but we tried to keep an open mind and hope for everything to be alright until we were told otherwise. We were sent back to the ER to get the results. The nurse said 10 minutes. 10 minutes was almost 2 hours, and that was just to get out of the waiting room. We were brought to a room that gave us hope. It was decorated in kids stuff, there was no hospital bed, just a two chairs and a rocking chair. It gave me hope, lots of it. We sat there for a while, we were getting antsy. Waiting was killing us. I was uncomfortable, crying because of the pain and the emotion. Our hopes were shatterd when the Chaplin came in. She didn't deliever the bad news but we wer sure that we were in for it. I was brought into another room because they wanted me on a bed because I was going through pain from hell. They gave me morphine, it didn't help. Then the doctor came in 3 hours after the fact. It was supposed to be 10 minutes. The doctor gave us the news we never wanted to hear. We have a baby, but there is no heart beat. Our baby was dead. I felt my heart break. I cried so much, for so long. I often wondered how I had that much tears in me. John stayed beside me the whole time, only leaving to pick up my Mom. I was told I would go for the D&C once the OB could get me in. Pain was getting stronger, I was experiencing birth. One more shot of morphine, and then a shot of demerol. My nurse was nothing short of a bitch. I am sorry, but she was. She kept yelling at me telling me the pain was my fault because I wasn't breathing right. She kept telling John that I had enough pain killers to knock out a horse. She pissed me off when she tried to give me an anti-depressant because she thought I was hysterical. I slipped the pill under my tongue and spit it out when she left the room. I passed the baby. I actually gave birth. I didn't know it at the time but I was told after I woke up in the recovery room. I wish I would have know. No matter what he looked like, I would have felt better knowing that I got to touch him once. But I didn't even get that. Our Baby, Shane Robert Hartley was born December 20th 2002. It was a painful and emotionally draining experience. I only got through what I did because of John. Even though he went through hell too, he put his own needs aside to make sure I was alright. When I got to come home we put all the things the Chaplin gave us in our baby book. She gave us a pair of booties, a hat, a sleeper, a bear, and a birth certificate that we filled out so we can keep it. You don't know how that bear helped, giving us something to hold on to. We are sending the Chaplin a card of thanks for helping us out. Without her, I don't know if John would have been able to help me the way he did. Every day since then, I thank God that I was blessed with the two of them. As for my job, I love my job. I work with some really great people. I became supervisor in 3 months, I work my ass off. That could be why. John- Every day that man amazes me. I still don't understand how two people who were never supposed to fall in love, fell in love. I remeber his first e-mails where he signed "your friend John", then "hugz from your friend John", then "hugz and kisses", then "Love John". I still have them all, would you believe that? I read them every now and then. It makes me smile from ear to ear. He is the most beatiful thing I have ever had. Dear John; You are the man of my dreams. You make life worth living evey day. Sometimes I feel selfish for wanting you, because I feel I can never do for you what you do for me. I love you more than I could ever express. I LOVE YOU My friends here in D-Land have shown tons of support no matter what I was going thru. I love you all who care about me as much as you do. Top mention goes to Shell. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the first person who reached out their hand for me to hold. Yesterday you talked to me like a person, which no one has done in 2 weeks. I don't know how I could ever re-pay you for being such a sweet and caring person. I will find a way. I am on the hunt for Puzzle Fighter 2 Turbo. *grin* Other mention would have to go to That's the end to my end of the year entry. I hope for the best of love, hope and happiness to everyone. Thanks to everyone who reads my diary. -Tina ......HAPPY NEW YEAR! 4:05 p.m. - 2003-01-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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