lc23tina's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When did I say I wanted to fall apart? I will admit. I have been neglecting my diary from feeling. This was my place to vent and I haven't done that in a while. I'm sick and tired of painting this perfect picture of my life when so much is going wrong. I know from what I write, it's not a "perfect" picture. It's a far cry from anything clost to perfect. But in my eyes looking back, I think I try way too hard to make the best out of it. It's all wrong. I am falling apart and I truly believe there is NO help for me, and seeking help would be just another thing people in my life would tease me about, another failure by yours truly. When did I grow up and become this person? When did I break out and say I wanted my mind to make me feel like I have lost all control? Apparently I asked for it this week. I was going to write an entry last night about how I had a gut feeling that things were just going to take a leap off the deep end. I should have, because I would have just been able to say I was right. I went to work today, I worked 8 hours. I work. (remeber that) I didn't eat all day because when I got up I went to work. When I did get home I was starving (John and I are strapped for cash right now so having any type of lunch to bring to work was out of the question). I took a plate of pasta and the green eyed monster rose from my Mother again. Mind you, she hasn't been that bad, but I think she just felt sorry for me and John since the miscarriage to be honest with you. She started with "have you TWO figured out when you are moving?" I explained like I have a million times that John was laid off for 3 weeks and I was off on holidays for 2 weeks and having any type of money for the end of the month was impossible. Do you think she listens when I talk to her? NO! She than began telling me how I never do anything, or buy anything and how I am such a horrible person. Well thanks ma! I tried to defend myself reminding her that I have always paid her rent, I buy my own groceries and I take care of myself, not asking her for anything but a roof over my head which I do in fact pay for. She went on and on how the bills are piling up and it's my fault. Understand this my Mom has never been "good" with bills or money. Once she gets money in her hands she is at bingo. But it has nothing to do with her being irresponsible, it's me for being a problem child. John isn't one for fights and he can't stand to see people scream. I screamed at her and at him for defending her. It just wasn't right. I mean, yeah she is my Mom and I respect her, but she tries to break me down when she fucks her own life. And it works. I feel like shit right now, I have that same old feeling of being worthless. I don't need this type of stress right now, I just don't. I am trying my damndest at my job, actually looking for another so I have 2. I am trying to keep John and I from falling apart and I am trying to keep myself in tact. I can't do it all. Right now it seems almost imposible. I am still trying to understand why I am being punished. I must be. I fail at everything. I failed when I dropped out of high school, I failed when I was supposed to get married, I failed when I had to move back home, I failed when I lost my baby... I'm never going to win at this rate. So in 25 years what really do I have to show for myself? John, my neices and nephews and a few friends. Knowing my luck I'll just go and screw up my relationship with John. (KNOCK ON THE BIGGEST FUCKING PEICE OF WOOD) Is there anything to do here but cry? Just try to grin and bear it? Hope that I win the lottery so I don't have to live here another month? Just pack up and say fuck it...Leave everyone and everything? 1:48 a.m. - 2003-01-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||