lc23tina's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- People are going to ask questions, but we are taking our time to answer them. I think John and I kinda got our socks blown off of us today. I know it caught him off guard, and I know I was tongue tied too. My sister Barb asked us if we planned on trying for another baby. We got talking about how she would have been fine with 2 kids, but her "hubby" wanted kids of his own so she had two more. Mike wasn't really her husband, but they were together for 9 years. Then she came out and asked us. I think we both have kind of tip toed around that subject. We don't talk about it, usually when we do I end up a pile of snot and tears. He answered, which was a relief, I thought I would have to answer the "question". He simply said, we don't know. When the time is right and we do know, that will be the time we decide. I got up early today, giving me a chance to come on the computer and play around with photoshop. I let John sleep in, he had over-time this weekend, and I wanted him to be well rested for his shift tonight. Barb came on-line and we got talking. Which we never do, and should do more. She invited us over for dinner, and to meet her new boyfriend. I said yes, because John had mentioned visiting the kids this weekend. I did my house work, John baked a cake for the event and we headed over. We had plans for a BBQ but, the propane tank quit on us half way thru. It didn't bother me any, I found it too cold outside today anyway. We played cards, and chatted. She has a nice boyfriend. Although I don't agree with her boyfriend of a week moving in her home already. I personally wouldn't do it. He's nice though, he can hold a conversation for more than two minutes without scratching his nuts and staring blankly into space saying DUHHHHHHHHHH. John and I left to come home shortly after 8. He wanted to take a wee nap before work, but instead we laid on the bed and talked. I mean, TALK. John isn't one for letting his feelings be known. He's just that type. He laid on the bed and looked long and hard at me like he wanted to say something, but didn't. Finally I had to break the silence because, one I'm a loud mouth, and two, because I hate silence. I said to him "Barb hit a soft spot on you didn't she?" He looked at me with that puzzled face. I said "when she asked that question". "What question?" he said. He knew what I was talking about. After a few moments of silence he let it all out. I can't quote him exactly, but I can come close. He said "I know what you went through that day, I never wanted you to ever go through that. I know that you had it worse than me, and I never wanted you to go through that pain. That's what really scares me." Wow. That's been my fear. I never spoke a word to him about it. We lost something very special to us. Our first baby. I told him everything that has ever crossed my mind about it. I've never really come clean about my thoughts on trying for another baby. I would love to have a baby, but would I want to go through what I did again? What if another baby would go full term? WHAT IF???????? There are a million different questions to ask. We both haven't got an answer for a single one of them. Right now is not the right time to make that decision. As the due date of our baby's arrival nears, I've been getting more and more emotional about it. I took John's head off on the 20th because he came into the bathroom and went in the cupboard and took out the pregnancy vitamins I was taking. He said "want me to throw these out?" I thought, HOW could you ask that 3 months to the date of my miscarriage?? and 3 months before my estimated due date??? That's another thing that weird (I know I'm trailing off) It was confirmed I was pregnant on the 20th of October. I had my miscarrige on the 20th of December and my due date was the 20th of June. I wonder what the numbers mean? Anyway. Later that day John asked me why I threw a fit about the vitamins. He felt so bad, he didn't realize, he didn't forget, I guess the date didn't occur to him. I appoligized for taking his head off. You know what? He tells me I'm beautiful. Never on days that I feel good, but the days when I really need to hear it. John is my hero. I knew the moment I first looked into your eyes, before I kissed you, I knew you were the one for me. I knew whether you knew it or not, and no matter how long it took, you were the one for me. I didn't care what people said or what our odds were. I didn't pay attention to anything but to what my heart was telling me. My heart told me that you were the one I had been waiting for, my very own Mr. Right. That's the way I've felt about you ever since. That's the way it still is every time I hear your voice on the other end of the line. It dosen't matter if were in or out of love at the moment. We never seem to stay mad at each other for very long...You have a way of making me bend. I guess that's because we both know that I'll always be yours and you'll always be mine. That's what makes life so sweet, and a little less unpredictable. That's what being in love with you is all about. I love you more than these words could ever express. I LOVE YOU!!! That's it for me tonight, I really should be getting to bed. -Tina 1:39 a.m. - 31.03.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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