lc23tina's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- life isn't fair. Where to begin? It's one of those nights that I have a million and one things on my mind. I just hope they all don't try and get out at once. It ends up being a mess that even I can't figure out. A few years back my sister Wanda tried to have a baby. She had a full time job, a husband, and she's a great person. She deserved to have kids, she would have been a great mother. Instead of Wanda's dream coming true, after trying for years, Barb announced that she was pregnant. It crushed Wanda. Barb got lucky, twin boy and girl. Wanda wondered forever why she was being punished. Trying again and again with no success. Barb eventually having another girl, and then another boy. 4 kids for Barb, none for Wanda. 11 years later, still Wanda has no kids, and Barb has her four that are in good health. Wanda still wonders why. When I got pregnant, Wanda was so happy. If it wasn't her bearing children, she at least wanted me to. I know in the back of her head she was still questioning why she haden't been blessed with kids. I know that feeling now. It's a painful one. I don't know where I stand with having children, or what complications might arise this time. After losing one, I don't know how/if/when I will ever have the oppertunity to have another. Sometimes I accept it as life. Other times it feels like a creul fucking joke. I now know how Wanda feels everytime a friend or family member says they are expecting. I think she has given up all hopes of being a Mother, at the age of 39, almost 40 years old. For a little while I couldn't stand to look at babies without feeling some sort of hate come over me. Somedays I still can't think of someone being happy with a happy, healthy baby. I want what I don't have, and don't know if I will ever have. So I know the feeling that my friend has right now, and I honestly feel so bad. I cried reading her entry. I balled my eyes out for her, because she is a WONDERFUL, and I mean W-O-N-D-E-R-F-U-L woman. Who deserves to have her dream of a child. I can only offer small bits of advice for her because I have lived the experience. Don't be hard on yourself. PLEASE! Take pride in the things that you have that no one else has. Like your marriage to your husband and your friends and family. I do hope that one day your wish will come true, from the bottom of my heart, I do. Never give up hope. (I hope I made some sense in there somewhere) 1:17 a.m. - 06.08.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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