lc23tina's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My relationship woes. I haven't been able to fight this headache. Ugh. Even at the races tonight, the place that I love the most, I had this horrible headache. I know it's due to lack of sleep, it's gotta be. Either that or it's a tumor. I had an anxiety attack tonight, although mild, they have been happening alot lately. That's due to the weak heart walls, so I am told. We were sitting there before the feature races started and three girls walked passed me, pregnant. Somedays it doesn't bother me, other days it tears me up inside knowing that John has made his mind up about not having children. I want kids. I do, really, really bad. After being pregnant once and losing Shane, I wanted to try again, not right away but someday. Somedays I have no problem accepting his decision, other days it drives me insane. I respect his points and all the time spent pondering over the question but, I don't think he really listened to my thoughts and feeling on the subject. His main reason is that we can't really plan on it. If I would ever get pregnant again is a fat enough chance, trying to plan our lives around it is impossible. I never once said that I don't want the simple choas of life, I hate things that are planned and lined up. I like not knowing, that's what makes living fun. I guess in that sense we are two very different people. I wish he would change his mind though. Sigh... I been having those weird baby dreams again too. Where I am despratly trying to find this lost baby. It usually wakes me, then I fear going back to sleep. I'm a headcase. I don't know if I can live with that or not to tell you the truth. How on earth do I tell John that I want something different than him? What if he still feels the same and I feel the same at the end? I don't want it to cause problems in our relationship, but what happens when there is something as huge as this involved??? I need help here. Okay...I need to get off that topic before I throw myself into a frenzy. Whew. Take a breather Tina. I wish he didn't have to work tonight. I need to talk to him, to be with him, the only man that makes me feel safe. Even though we have this huge difference I couldn't see myself without him. It's gotta be love. But is love enough? I hope so. I plan on marrying this guy. I want a life with him. We've been taking about getting married, and I am sure that he is going to ask. Damn sure, just don't know when. I've even gone as far as contacting people about prices and such to get married, and he is excited about this. I think we need to clear up all those little and not so little things though. I better go now. I am more confused now than when I came in here. 2:54 a.m. - 08.24.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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