lc23tina's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Time to make the babies... I sometimes find it hard to get some free time to update. Not too much goes on thats different from dayt to day. I'd hate to sit here and bore my faithful readers to sleep by saying "Today I got up, took a shower and went to work". I do that everyday. Blah. When I do feel like writing, I usually have no time to do so. I work, I have a house to clean, a boyfriend to take care of and a cat. I usually talk to John to get things off my chest, I don't need a outlet like my diary much anymore. I am not diary dependant like I use to be. Ha. That sounds funny. When I can't talk to John I come running for the computer, even when I can talk to him, but it seems like he dosen't care, understand or care to understand...I come here. Now this issue is both. I have talked to John, we've had long discussions, but I still feel all these things. So...I am going to write about them, and hope for a few opinions. It's the baby issue. Tonight while laying on the bed after another pregnancy test, we got talking about "having a baby". I'm late, or weird, or something. I haven't had a peroid in a month and a half. I was sure I was pregnant. I tested on the 14th of August, and it was negative. I tested tonight with the same outcome. Each time I think I am, or there could be a possibility I get nervous, excited, emotional... Once I looked at the test and seen it was negative, I walked out of the bathroom to John who was standing in the kitchen. He asked "Are you okay with the results?" I said "yes", but I wasn't. I walked around the kitchen, cleaning like I always do when I am upset. John and I came into the living room and watched TV. I didn't say too much, if anything at all. I cooked dinner, ate, watched TV...I got tired, and since I have to work this morning, I decided to go to bed early. I gave John an kiss good-night and went into the bed. Soon after he followed. He laid on the bed looking at me. Just looking. I hate when he does that. He knows I know he's going to say something, but he just sits there looking at me, always waiting for me to say something first. So, I did. "Yessssssss?" And then he spilled it. He told me that he's scared of trying for a baby. He's told me this before, but there wasn't the usual I don't want kids statement at the end. This time he looked right at me and said, I DO want a child. He said he felt pressured by me to come up with an answer before, and never had time to think about it. Plus, with the miscarriage, he got really freaked. He dosen't want to have to go through that kind of thing again. I understand that. I don't EVER want to go through that again either. It hurts still. That could be, for a while there I just wanted to know his answer so we didn't confuse the situation. I didn't want me to want a child and him not to, if that makes any sense? Ya know? I didn't want this decision to be based on what I wanted. We are a team, and this is a HUGE thing. Like I've said a million times before, I don't know if we are ever going to get lucky enough to get pregnant again. I hope we do... And he does too. This does make my world a little happier. Time for making babies!!! At least one :) 5:02 a.m. - 09.02.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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