lc23tina's Diaryland Diary

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*Have You Ever*

(Before this is viewed: I am FINE! no need to call the psych ward, no need to tell the world, no need to do anything but read and learn.)

*Have You Ever*

Have you ever seen death?

I have a few times.

It is not what you think, let me explain before I get the cops or something here, or even worse my Mother in a panic.

I am reading a book right now, it is kind of like a "self-help" book where it gives you things to think about to try and clear your head of anything that may be bothering you.

It is called: When nothing seems to matter, A guide to your mind.

So far ir has gotten me thinking about many things, tonight I was reading and it asked a question. Have you ever felt death?

It made me think.

When I was little I went to the beach with my sister Wanda and my brother Albert, I don't know where my Mom and Dad were, I think off fishing. I was on a sand bar and they were out further in the water, I seen pop on the shore and I wanted a can, I thought I could swim so I went for it. The water filled my mouth and I tried to scream but I couldn't, I was fighting the water just to get a breath. I could have died that day, but my sister picked me up and brang me to the shore. She saved my life.

When I was at bible camp one year with church we were on a beach and I seen a little girl in the same spot I was in, she was struggling with the water fighting for air, I ran in the water without hesitation, I lifted her over my head so she could breath and I couldn't. I don't even know how I got out of the water, I have heard many stories but I don't remember. I know that when I got to the shore my fingers hurt from holding on to a break wall, it was metal and rusty, but's thats all I know. That girl called me a "hero". I got a gold heart with my name on it at a choir meeting a few weeks later. I never thought of myself as a hero but she did.

The next time I felt death is when I touched it, when I touched my Uncle Bert's skin when I found him dead in the basement. It didn't scare me to touch him, but the memory haunts me.

After that it was me fearing death when I was at last hope with myself. I felt like the only option I had was to end everything. It was weird because I was there right at the point where everything has no meaning. And I was so scared of what would happen if everything ended too soon. Then it didn't matter, now it all matters. I know that she will never understand it I don't think I will ever tell her but my neice so young and innocent lay there in the bed with me sound asleep while I contemplated on killing myself, she woke up and looked right at me and said "I love you Aunt tt".

It made sense then not to do anything, I had something to live for, someone. I doubt she will ever know that she was my hero.

It's funny because death is what really makes you live.

Once it is all in front of you, when you look at it for all it's worth, past the pain, past all the hurt, past the trouble.

You see yourself live.

Some never see that, some think it's the way out.

But it just hurts.

It hurts a lot of people.

Since that night I have never thought about harming myself.

I wonder a lot about all those what might have been's but nothing I can think of changes anything.

They just become thoughts.

I have no fear of what will happen in life, things happen no matter what, things happen at the time thats made for them. I don't have contol over it and no oneelse does either.

I have fear that I will not live.

Not the life that I dreamed of, but who does.

Just another wave in the ocean.

Good-Night

-Tina-