lc23tina's Diaryland Diary
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Ranty, Ranty, Rant, Rant....
I Guess It's Safe To Add An Entry
There was a bit of down time tonight in D-Land. I guess more down time is to be expected tomorrow night. While the site was down I went to the spot for smilies.
I liked the sleeping cow, so he is here to stay for good. I wish there were more barn yard type animals to get...(I only added the fish, cause I liked him).
Thinking Thoughts....What Else Would I be Thinking?
I needed to get my mind off thinking...
(thinking about what Tina?)
Oh you really want to know?
(yes)
No you don't...I can tell you really don't want to know.
(yes!)
Ok fine, since you damn well twisted my arm...
Many things have gotten my mind is a some what "gushy-gummy-like state". I just let little things consume me. I think about my HTML, I think about John, my life, or lack there of...I think about what I am supposed to be doing with my life, where we are going to be moving to, why people talk behind my back...
I think about how I can never "do" enough, I think I smoke way too much, eat too much, bitch too much...
I just can't seem to get a clear thought in my head, it seems like I start to think about one thing and another thought jumps right in and joins the choas in my brain, then before I get a chance to figure the first thought out, there are a million more trampling me.
What to do?
OH WHAT TO DO?
That's the thing, I usually have a plan. Something that covers my ass, or gets me on a straight path...
This time I think it's hopless.
I can't figure out what's wrong with my own life half the time and I am supposed to try and figure out every one else's.
This is bothering me.
Some family members are having a difficult time in their lives, with relationships, money and what not.
They talk to me about it and want "my" advice. So I give it to them, straight out, exactly how I feel. But if the answers aren't what they want to hear, I get shunned bascially.
Why the fuck ask for my advice in the first place if it means absolute shit to them.
And why is it that no one asks me how I am doing.
I may be quite, but even "I" need to talk.
I wish I had something other than my diary to talk/type to. Don't take offence Johnny, I know you will always listen to me...But I can't talk about you to you...(It's a girl thing).
It's not like I don't try to open up to them, I have before and failed.
Most of the time people think I am anti-social. I'm not. I am quiet. VERY QUIET. I find that's the only way to avoid questions. I am afraid to give the wrong answers.
I got like this after my Uncle Bert passed away. It seemed like everyone asked if I was alright, constantly. It felt like everyone just felt sorry that I found the person I loved, respected and cared for the most dead. I will admit I even scared myself, I don't think I slept or blinked for weeks, I was in a cat like reddiness. I finally found that if I just stayed away the questions would stop, and they did. So I settled into this "I want to be alone" kinda funk. I've never grown out of that.
About a week after his passing I was talking to a friend from school, she asked me if I was feeling ok. I said that I was confused and still very much hurt. Her only reply was, "well you should be over that by now", like I gave the wrong answer. From then on I told people what they wanted to hear. "Yes I am fine (insert fake ass smile)", "I am great", "No, nothing is wrong"...
I've only recently come out of that shell...
It's funny how what people say or do affect us like that...
I guess my only wish would be is to have someone listen to me rant and ramble on, and actually care about the words coming from my lips...
Coma Yet?
Didn't mean to go off like that, see what I mean about the train of thought?
Oh well I am entitled to go off like that, this is my diary.
And if I did bore you into a coma...Send me your medical bills when you wake up...
Very Cold and Tired
Yeah...it's cold (brrrrrrrr *shivers*)
I should go tuck myself under the covers...
...Soon...
(damn I love those little guys)
Well I am out...
Nighty Night...
Be sure to come back when you wake from that coma, k?
-Tina-
[Just because I talk in my sleep, doesn't mean you will ever know what I am saying...]--Random thought from your's truly.
2:38 a.m. - 2002-02-07
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