lc23tina's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A chapter of my life Wow. It's like my past is calling me. Everyday for the last week I keep thinking about my past and different events that have happened. Maybe it's my way of letting go of things and walking into the future. Most of the time when I am thinking about my past, I get scared that I may have to re-live some of those moments. I see vivid pictures of what went on, my eyes leaking, how scared and alone I felt. But then there are some memories that make me smile and laugh, the one's where I felt happy. Some are a mixture of the two. A few years back, maybe five or so, I can't be too sure. I met a guy, we'll call him FUCKFACELOSER. Okay, scratch that ideal, it's too long to write. We'll call him J. J was a friend of my sister's and her boyfriend. We met one afternoon at her house, he was older than me, and showed an interest. I was staying with my sister for a few days, I slept on the floor and he slept on the couch, thru the day he would make passes and such, little hints you could say. One night I was sleeping on the floor and he woke me up, we kissed and what not, but my sister came out of her room and he flew back to the couch. The next night the same thing happened, this time things went a little further. We had sex. It wasn't even good. I was young and naive, I just left home, I was confused to say the least. After our little fling, I went outside on her porch and had a smoke, he followed and sat next to me. He told me that he had a girlfriend and a child, and nothing could be said about what went on, I had to keep a seceret. By no means what so ever, I could not let on what had happened, after saying those words he got up and went outside. I sat on the porch and cried my eyes out, not because he said that to me, but I thought about what I had done. Needless to say, I wanted nothing to do with him from there on in and I made it very clear. That's when shit started. He became weird, very weird. He told his girlfriend that I raped him. Had my sister's boyfriend believe that I raped him too. That only lead to more problems, his girlfriend was mad at him and mad at me, this made him more upset with me trying to clear my name. It got out of hand, I had to do something. I knew I didn't rape him, I know we had some really lousy sex, but that was very mutual. The day came where I had enough, he was sitting in my sister's house on the couch, and my sister's boyfriend was there too. I walked and and told him to listen to me, I said what I needed to say in all hopes that my sister's boyfriend would finally believe me. J kept looking at me with gleaming eyes saying "what are you talking about?" everytime I said something about that night. He finally said "if I am so bad why don't you just slap me?" so I did, I raised my hand and slapped that silly fucker right across the face! He threatened to call the police, I picked up the phone and dialed the number for him, he hung up the phone and said that there was no need. My sister's boyfriend asked me to leave and to leave the situation alone. I left, but there was no way in hell that ass munching queer was going to bring my name down. I came back when they left, I had to my room was upstairs. I talked to my sister and she knew about the night that she seen him run to the couch, and I guess there were other times she seen him over me, looking at me trying to wake me up. At least there was one person that believed me. When they came home, they were drunk. My sister's boyfriend was intoxicated beyond repair, and so was J. The topic was brought up again about how I raped him, which set everyone off. My sister's boyfriend was pissed at all the problems it was creating and started throwing things around the house, now there were 4 kids in that house. I was not going to let him be abusive to her and sure as hell not to one of the kids, I called the police. I had to for all of our saftey. J split when he knew the cops were coming. When they finally arrived Barb's girlfriend and I took the kids out of the house for the night to one of her friends house. We sat there, calmer now knowing that the kids were safe, but we were still worried about my sister. She ended up staying with her boyfriend. She called once to tell us that she was Okay. We got the kids settled into beds and we went to sleep. I had my neice in bed with me, she was sleeping. I laid there crying, so hard, knowing I was the cause for all of this mess. It went far beyond just J, it affected everyone around. I was scared and I felt like if I were gone, no one would have to worry about me. I laid in the bed and wrapped a sheet tightly around my neck, I was going to end all this mess, I couldn't take it. I was scared that I was going to die, tears streamed down my face, my breathing was almost to a halt when my neice put her arms around me and told me that she loved me. Her voice was so tiny when she muttered those words "I love you Aunt TT." It was so innocent, and pure. Those small words spoke volumes to me. I took the sheet from around my neck and threw it to the floor, I rolled to her and gave her a kiss on the forehead, and told her that I loved her too. I layed there for a good long time, crying and smiling. When I knew she was sleeping, I whispered "thank-you." I don't think I went sleep that night, I don't think I could have even if I wanted to. That night I realized that not everone judges you as being a bad peson, just because someone is making you out to be one. And kids, hell they are the biggest truth tellers in the world. Until they turn out like the rest of us. I told my Mom what I did, I didn't want anyone to be left in the dark about it, I wanted to be reminded that I was loved and cared for, and that not everyone thought I was a mad rapist. J ended up fading out of the picture after he stole money, lied some more, stole mail, beat his girlfriend and just totally fucked himself. He makes appearances every now and then to cause shit, but that's about it now. You know why he didn't want me to call the cops that day? He has been running from the cops forever, he's been in jail many times, he's a head case. Took one stupid fucker in my life to make me want to die. I wish I would have known then, before any of this even started, what I know now. So if you ever wonder why it takes me forever to open up, you can blame the head case. I'm gone, I need a kleenex. -Tina- 2:16 p.m. - 2002-02-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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