lc23tina's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why are my rambles so long? I think it's time for something new to look at here... Considering my birthday was 3 days ago. Turning 25 was a lot different than I thought it would be. I was suprised that no one threw me a party or got together. I had to go from house to house to collect gifts. Shit, another year where I get no birthday cake. I'm fat people. I like cake! It depressed me. I've been in this funk ever since. It's not even like people were happy to see me either. It just felt so forced. Anyway. Work has been horrible. Long hours, body being tired, me being a bag of mood swings...Oh it's a wonderful life. I've been easily frusterated with myself these days. I get upset at the first sign of me failing. Honestly, at work on Tuesday night my strapper was acting up thus preventing me from binding the stacks of papers. I couldn't get it to work, I got mad and went to the bathroom and cried. Tonight I went through the same thing. I was playing euchre and hit the wrong button, I got pissed off at myself and cried. See, a bag of mood swings. I can't get the thought out of my head that if I fail now I am going to fail later with the baby and frankly that scares the fuck out of me. This has got to be the single most important thing in my life (besides the man of my dreams). I am scared, so very scared. I also find myself snapping off peoples heads. Mostly John's. I don't know why that is. Really, I couldn't ask for anything more when talking about John. He is precious. I swear that man would do anything for me and sometimes the only thing I can do is treat him like shit. Is there something wrong with me, or is it true that you try to hurt the ones you love? If thats the case, I don't want to love him because he dosen't deserve to be hurt. Mabye once I start feeling better my mood will change. God, I hope so. I've been pretty much under the weather. I've had severe headaches, a rash, I've been breaking out and I have been constapated (not like you needed to know that). That's on top of being extreemly tired and miserable. When I see Dr. Day on Monday I am going to have a good long talk. I think all I need is a little re-assurance that John's not going to pack up and leave me. My mind is awful lately. I imagine things like that happening... Where are the anti-depressants when you need them? -Tina 4:41 a.m. - 2002-12-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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