lc23tina's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A mini novel about the memorial and my thanks to my friends. I think I could write the worlds longest entry tonight. I just have it in me to sit here forever and type until I am left with stubs for fingers. The day that we dreaded is finally over. John and I are both relieved that the memorial is done. Since the miscarriage is still new and fresh to us, today was hard. Very hard. We had 6 other people attend the ceremony with us. Mom, Larry, Barb, Clarence, Wanda and R@SE. I was jittery. Before I left the house I stood in the kitchen and made sure everything was in check. I had the directions on how to get to the church, I had smokes, I had tylenol, and I was sure that I had my composure. When we walked into the hall I lost all composure, I got even more jittery, and I started freaking myself out. Jane, the pastor that sat with John and I the day of the miscarriage remembered who we were and greeted us with a smile and a handshake. We took seats, 3 rows from the front. I didn't want to be too close incase I freaked out. I thought I would run out the doors and never look back. I stayed. We had a program, and a peice of paper with poems written by other breaved parents. I didn't even get to the second line of the first poem and the water works started. I was sure then that I wanted to go, I was sure I couldn't sit through this memorial. I did. We all did. I felt better knowing that it wasn't just me feeling freaked about this all. I was glad I had so much support. I am truly thankful for R@SE. She's been here since yesterday keeping me company. Through the service John and I held hands, squeezing ever so often. Just to let eachother know that we felt the same and that no matter what, we still love eachother. I have all the programs and poems, when I have a little bit of time I am going to scan them and add them to the memorial page that I'm making for this diary. During the ceremony, as a time to remember we went outside for the releasing of doves. In a small way, it was like a realease onto heaven for our son. In a way it was comforting. We were given a plant with a card and Shane's name written on it. I have it on my computer desk. Since this is the place in the house that I am the most, I wanted his plant right beside his Mom. We were also allowed to take home the candles we lit during the service, and we each took a rose home. I put everything in our scrapbook to keep, and I am drying the flowers so I can keep those too. Since John and I each had a candle, I put one away, and on June 20th, (would have been our estimated due date) we are going to light the other one as a personal memorial to our son. All in all, after the tears, and after the pain, I feel a comfort. Not enough that I don't question my sanity, but it did help a bit. I talked with John again tonight, and he thinks it would be a good idea that we both seek counselling. I didn't disagree, it may be for the best. I want to take a moment to thank a few people, some who do read this diary and some who don't. 1. My Mom: She took this just as hard as I did. I was suprised with how much we had in common, and how much she could share with me. 2. R@SE: Holy shit, I just drew a blank. I don't think there are words that could possibly describe how much her support has meant to me. When I've needed to vent, she's listened more than once, and she never tried to change my thoughts. I will be forever greatful for the friendship I have with her. 3. Shelly: Girl, I think you have landed the award for the longest gb entry ever. Even though you wrote a small novel, I read through it and you made me feel better. Your words and your comfort have been very uplifting when I have been down. You have a great heart, and for that I thank you from the bottom of mine. 4. John: This man has gone through hell and back with me. I don't think there is anything I could ever offer him that could pay him back for everything he has done for me. Knowing that he loves me keeps me going. Knowing that our souls belong together keeps me sane, and knowing that I love him keeps me appricating everything I have in him. 5. Kim: She wrote me a few months ago and shared her story with me. I sat and cried as I read her words, and at the same time she offered hope. She's offered hugs when I needed them and she always has a peice of advice that leads me in the right direction. There are tons of people I could mention here, but the ones above went above and beyond their duties as friends and really helped my through the roughest and toughest part of my life. I thank you all. I honestly don't know how I could ever repay you all for being there for John and I. I can just say thank you until I find a way to kiss all your feet. =) That's it for me tonight. I need to play some cards and become the puddle I am. Thank you, and goodnight. xoxo-Tina 11:15 p.m. - 04.27.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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