lc23tina's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *Big Entry**But It Means A Lot* *Good Morning* OK...this may end up being a very long entry, but it is going to reveal just a lot of bull from my chest...I havent been right lately, just not myself...I can feel it in everything I say, everything I do...I know deep down in the pit of my stomache that I am not me. I feel like I am cheating myself? I dont' know why, am I being the person that I am? Am I even living anymore?....*Sigh* I kind of feel like I am keeping myself trapped from finding whatever it is I am looking for, I am hiding under a rock like a...like a...WORM or something. I want to break free and just let it all hang out. But can't somethings right there, come closer...can you see it?...yeah right there...tell me what it is please. My life has not been bad and has not been good (not by about 10,000,000,000 miles). But there is no rewind button that came with my life and I doubt your's did either, and we cant no matter how hard we think about it and no matter how much we wish we could...We cannot change the past, but we can learn for the future. I think of it this way, no matter how old we get and no matter how much we think we know, we are always learning somehow and someway to better ourselves, only ignorant people think they have life figured out. I dont know a single thing about life I am only 23 years old. What do I really know, ok a few things I know for sure and the rest I am just guessing on. We all do it, do you know what is going to happen tomorrow? Me either, so we all shouldn't walk arond thinking we know more than what we do. Did that make any sense? Probably not. I am feeling a bit selfish too, I want all these great things to happen for me...Wouldn't it just be better to wish it for someone else, I feel so greedy. But then again everyone has what they want and desire on the top of thier heads always...there is no doubt about it...we kind of put "our" priorities in front of "others" but sometimes we have to be like that or we would never accomplish anything. I am so being hippocritical right now...I say one thing and then say another to make it sound like a bowl of cherries, well let me tell you folks, the cherries are rotten from where I am sitting. I guess what I am trying to do here is answer myself, and that's how you know you have totally gone insane right....RIGHT! HA! I wonder a lot about people and wonder if what I am thinking is what they are thinking. I miss a lot of people that were once in my life and thinking about them puts me way down in the dumps. Here they are: Becky: My best friend for over 5 years, I haven't talked to her since December 17th 1999. It's funny I can't remember the last thing I ate but I remember that date...Here's the story. Becky and I were "the" high school best friends, she was like my sister, I loved her so much...So much...I still do...We did all that fun stuff that best friends do...hung out everyday, wore the same clothes, swooned over the same "boys"...needless to say, we felt complete when we were together and lost when we were apart...fast forward...We went out on December 16th 1999, for my birthday...we went out bowling and to the bingo, we had a great time...the next day we talked...and then nothing? What went wrong there, I was always there for her, when she thought she was pregnant I was there holding her hand and crying with her telling her I would be there no matter what...Or when her boyfriends dumped her...she was there for me too no matter what I needed...we were there for eachother. I let her boyfriend live in my home free of charge only to be used and disrespected, IN MY OWN FRIGGIN' HOME!!! but I never once had said anything bad to her in fear of her hating me because of some low life...well she stayed with that druggy for a long time...I guess she broke up with him, my sister seen her at the bowling alley one night and she told Wanda to have me call her...WHAT THE FUCK...almost 2 years and she wants me to call her???????? I still havent picked up the phone, but I miss her so much it hurts. Next; Uncle Bert: I only got to have my Uncle Bert in my life for a short peroid of time, he came to live with me and my family after losing his, not to death or anything like that...He lost his wife and kids and grand kids because he was a DRUNK, plain and simple, he had it all and lost it because he did not know how to stop. My mom took him in, when he wasnt drinking he was the sweetest man going, In the time that he lived with us he stopped his drinking and became so cool and great...god do I miss him. He stopped drinking right there alone is a big feat...I looked up to him for the wisdom that he held, and how he could make me smile so big to where I could feel my heart grow 10 times bigger, he was always there for me, more than my father ever will or has. He taught me how to play euchre and how to drive the riding lawn mower, he taught me to believe in myself. He was sick, and no one knew, he would stand in the kitchen and fall down, but blame his little black shoes. No one thought anything of it...I look back now and say how could we have not known...The day I am about to tell you about has to be the worst day in my life, I know every detail, this is the thing that will never leave your mind...Well leading up to that day Uncle Bert got sick with a cold...He would ask me every day to make him home made egg nog when we ate dinner, because I made the best...He just stayed in his room, my Mom told him that he should go see a doc, but I think he just wanted to be with the people he loved and not in a hospital when he finally let go. That day I went to school, came home and went to my room to do my homework, Mom came down stairs and asked him if he was feeling better and he said that he was feeling great that he might even go up for dinner...I was happy to know that he would be joining us for din-din and he said that he was going to get his bones out of bed and go outside. Around five oclock I went in to check on him and he asked me if I would make him egg nog when we ate dinner and I said are you sure you dont want to come up and eat, and he told me that he would rather rest to feel better for tomorrow....I was about 10 feet away from him from that time until my sis called me up for dinner...why didnt I know...I went up the stairs and my Dad and his girlfriend were there for dinner too, roast beef, mashed potatoes, gravy, yorkshire pudding...I went to the blender and made Uncle Bert's egg nog...I brought it down to him...I said Uncle Bert...Here is your egg nog...Uncle Bert...Uncle Bert...My whole world stopped right there...He wasnt breathing, I didnt know what to do...I tried to scream for help but nothing came out of my mouth, nothing at all...My heart must have fell to the floor, I tried to run to the stair but that trip seemed to take years instead of seconds, I flew up the stairs...And just said...Uncle Bert is not breathing, I think he died...That was the last time I seen him, my Mom tried to tell me for the longest time that he died in the ambluance on the way to the hospital, but I know the real truth, he died in our basement on December 11th...I have always blammed myself for that...I was only 10 fucking feet away. How did I not know...I miss him so much. Uncle Bert, you are a great man, I know you watch over me from heaven like you did when you were on the earth, I am sorry for yelling at you at your funeral, but I was mad at you, I didnt want you to leave me...I needed you. I miss you everyday. You were and will always be my hero. Next; My Father: I just miss you Dad. Glen: You were so young when you passed away, we were best friends when that truck hit you in front of our houses...You would have been a great man, You had a heart of pure gold, I dont think there is a day that goes by that I dont think about you...I blame myself for not waiting for you that day...You know I used to wait for your bus, every single day...but that day I wasnt there for you and that man who didnt look out and was speeding ended your life, I hate that man, but I hate myself for not being there. I love you. I love you all my friends, I need you in my life every day, it is so important to me to have you there, I do in evey way, shape and form,I will be there for you when you need me. I love you and thank you for all the things you have given me. I can't write anymore...just my eyes are leaking and I have snot face, I know its not a pretty picture but....it was said I love you all, the ones who are here for me and the ones who cant...I love you (please feel free to sign the guest book) -Tina- 7:27 a.m. - 2001-06-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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