lc23tina's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *I Am Not A Scrooge* I AM NOT THE SCROOGE YOU THINK I AM! I swear I am not a scrooge. It's STRESS! It's that fine line between slapping on a fake smile and wanting to rip everyone's head off. (It could be the PMS too). I can't find my Christmas spirit. I've looked...It's hiding this year. I just can't find that happy place. I look around and see everything that's WRONG, and that is the only thing I can see right now. I see the water trickle down the window, on the wall, then to the puddle in the middle of my floor. I think of how, 10 feet away from me is the door inside where everyone is toasty warm while the drafts come in the windows and freeze me out here. Today I was sitting in the van outside of WalMart and I watched the people as they came out of the store with smiles on thier faces and bags in their hands and I remembered once again that *I* with less than a week remaining till Christmas that I have nothing bought. Then here at home I watch as people sit at the kitchen table and wrap gifts, placing ribbon and bows on them, smiling and getting excited to see people's faces on Christmas morning... I just remember that I am...ME. Empty handed and broke. I've cried myself to sleep so many nights now. I can't eat without feeling sick after. I've had pain and cramps and headaches for over a week straight... I'm stressed. But I am NOT a scrooge. Just that I am a GIVER not a TAKER. And it get's me down to know that I have to accept gifts without giving in return. Sure I am going to do Christmas shopping for Barb and Mike (the names I drew this year for the exchange) But it should have my Mom's name on it because not one cent is going to be from my pocket. I just keep believing in that "Christmas Miracle" the one that more than likely dosen't exsist... But yet...I believe. Night. -Tina- 11:41 p.m. - 2001-12-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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