lc23tina's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sometimes you have to tell your mind off to make yourself feel better. I am a grown woman. 25 years old, full time job, a boyfriend, tons of responsibilities, and yet... I still have those moments when I feel like a child. Lost in this big world, trying to make sense of it all. Somedays I want to stay in my room, under my blankets to shelter myself from the world that sits 10 feet away. Just outside my window. Other days I put my game face on and walk out that door like there is nothing in the world that could ever stop me. Funny isn't it? Is it our minds that make the world seem awful somedays and then turn around and gives the confidence to tackle it all in a moment... Why is it that you long for something so bad and then when you have it right in front of you the doubts come in? How do you ever know when it's just not an evil trick life is playing on you? You will have it all and then it's gone? I am having trouble. Big trouble. I am doubting myself. I am doubting that I am going to be able to afford to live if I move out of this house. I doubt that John and I have a stable enough relationship to make it when we leave here. This is all coming a little too fast for even me to grasp. I'm not sure what started me on this kick, but I wish my mind would stop playing tricks on me. I sat here today. I wrote out all our expenses. You know that whole story of trying to make the ends meet. I got stuck in the middle and threw the paper across the room. I know that really didn't help the fact, but it felt good. We are both busting our asses at work and we still can't get ahead. I've been working so much, I don't have time to update as much as I would like, I don't get to spend time with John, and I don't get sex when I want it...GRRRR! Something will go right for us. After everything that has went wrong, we deserve a "good thing". We have a month to come up with the money to get an apartment. Come hell or high water I will try my best to get us where we want to be. I will. And now I will go to bed feeling better about myself because I will put a honest effort into it. I just have to tell my head... THERE'S NO DOUBTING ME NOW! -Tina 1:36 a.m. - 2003-01-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||