lc23tina's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A whole weeks worth of crap, right here for your veiwing pleasure. I guess I should update. What's it been? A week or so? I really don't have the time or the energy to keep writing in here. But I can't leave. It would be like saying good-bye to the last two years of my life. Sometimes, it seems, like this place is the only place where I can run and find a way to put myself back together. But, like I said, it's getting harder and harder to update. Gosh, I'm not even sure if people actually read this anymore. Not like it was for them to read, but it felt good knowing that someone was paying a bit of attention. A little attention is good to have sometimes. Besides that, I do have some updates. My best friend Becky got engaged on Friday. I am so happy for her. But then there is a side of me that just dosen't want to be happy for anyone. I know that sounds pretty shallow and fucked up. I just feel like I am moving backwards. I told John that tonight. I don't want him to get the idea that I want to pressure him into marriage, but one day I would like to be wed. I've seen quite a few of my friends from highschool already get married and have kids, a new car and a home, that comes along with the pet dog name Rover, and they live happily ever after. Ugh. Sometimes I just want to punch people in the face. Somedays it just gets to me. In 5 years I am going to 30! I want to be married before gravity comes after my tits and send them plumiting towards the ground. *Sigh* I am happy for her, I am. She is my best friend for Christ sakes. I should be doing a dance in the middle of the street for her. I just can't bring myself to get dressed to do so. Other news, I went out with my co-workers on Friday for a bowling night that my boss paid for. Amazingly we all had a BLAST. I got drunk, but prevented myself from acting like a total and complete idiot. A few people didn't turn out, but most of the whole staff came out for the event. Barb and her new man were supposed to come over for dinner yesterday. But didn't. I am tired of making plans with people, and then they cancel at the last minute because something better comes along. That really erks me. I'm not inviting them again, and you wanna know something, I AM NOT going over there and wasting my time and gas. They can come here dammit. I seen my Mother at Wal-Mart yesterday. She was there with the said sister buying her kids bikes for Easter. I chatted with her for a bit in the store. I need to call her this week. Last week I worked so much I didn't have time to call her unless it was after midnight, and I assumed she'd be sleeping then. I took on another job. I am now working my ass off. I needed to. I didn't leave Webco, I just took a day that I don't work and converted it into a day I do work. It's another branch of the company so it was an easy transition. I work with most of the girls that I supervise in my shop. It's a good thing, because there is NO atmosphere there, everyone is so tight lipped it's not even funny. THANK GOD I had Jackie to talk with. I did talk to my Mother this week. I think Wednesday she called to tell me that I got the invitation for the memorial of Shane. The hospital where I was treated for the miscarriage holds a ceremony once a year for Mother's who lost their baby. Each babies name goes in a "Little Angels" book that is given to each set of parents to take home as a gift. Mom started to cry while reading the invitation to me. I cried, just because what they wrote was absolutly beautiful. I'm not sure if John is going to go. He's been taking things pretty hard, I think harder than me. I'm going to go. I might end up a pile of snot and tears. But I owe it to myself and to my son to go. I know my Mom is going to go, so I won't be alone to sit there and cry. You know, sometimes I bitch about my Mom, sometimes we don't see eye to eye...But there is times that I need her so bad. I guess I should let her know that. I hate writing with tears in my eyes and a brick in my throat. So, I'm off. If I can get some time I will update again this week. -Tina 12:47 a.m. - 07.04.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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