lc23tina's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I just wanted to tell him I QUIT! Right now I am highly addicted to sunflower seeds. I just can't stop popping them into my mouth. Even with the rawness and hacking I am still shoveling them in. Sometimes I question myself. I'm still sick, getting better little by little, but still sick none the less. It's mainly my throat, it's RAW. Hurts like hell. Everything else seems to be easing up. My arms are getting a bit of strength. Good sign. I almost quit my job today. I was so close to telling my boss to shove the world up his ass, but I didn't. I didn't because even though he really pissed me off, I still have respect for him. I mean, he was the guy who gave me the job with no experience, and he took a chance with me. For that I am truly greatful. But... I will tell the story. I've been sick, I now know it's because of the wash I was using to clean the bindery machine. It HAS to be. Both times I have used the stuff, the first being 2 weeks ago and then again on Tuesday. After each time using it I get dizzy, bloody nose, headache, weakness in my arms, sore throat, voice loss, blurred vision, and a hacking cough. Last night I had a bloody nose for quite a long time. Even though I had a major headache and wasn't feeling well at all I still went into work this morning for 10 a.m. By noon I got another bloody nose and was feeling dizzy. I knew it was time for me to call it a day, so I went in the office to ask when the job needed to be done for, and my boss went flippy on my head. He rose his voice, to almost a yell and said "Tina, don't start this already, you have only been here for 2 hours." I couldn't get a word in to explain the situation. His mind was made up. So again I asked what time the job had to be done. He said 2 p.m. I asked for the time which was noon and I walked out in a ball of snot and tears. It made me mad. I never ask to go home early. I bust my ass, and I do my job. From May 14th 2002 until December 20th 2002 I never once missed a day of work, the only reason I missed that day was because I was in the hospital having a miscarriage. Since then I have missed 3 days because of that fucking shit I was using to clean the machine 2 weeks ago. Not my fault. But could I tell him that? NOOOOOOOO. I was so mad it wasn't funny. I cried so hard that I gave myself another bloody nose in the bathroom. I continued to do my job. Once I got my composure I went right back to work, 10 times harder. Tracey, the secretary came out and talked to me because she knew I was upset. She made me feel a little better, but I'm still pretty pissed with how I was treated, it just wasn't fair. It's not like I made myself sick, It's not like I haven't went to work sicker than a dog either. I have, more than once to prove that I am a good, reliable worker. I know I am. I go in for extra work when no one wants to do it, I've worked long, hard shifts, and I never complain. You would think in almost a year that he would catch on. I guess he wondered why I asked what time the job needed to be done, and Tracey told him not to be so hard on me, that I have been sick. I thought I would at least get an appoligy, but I didn't. When I came home I had to tell John. I needed to cry and vent and get mad. I'm still mad. But he's my boss, and well, under his big mean exterior, I'm sure he has something nice in there...somewhere... On top of being sick I've been worried about myself and John. The memorial for Shane is on Sunday. It's kind of like a burial service for miscarried babies. It's been bothering me, I want the closure, or a least something to help with this pain, but then I'm not sure if I want to say good-bye to my baby. John's hasen't been sleeping worth a shit, he's been working everyday and only getting about 4 hours of sleep. He's had to work double shifts and he just found out that he dosen't even get a day off this weekend. MORE overtime. Poor guy, he's just got so much on his mind. He's the type that will let it all build up and not say anything until he thinks he knows it's not going to hurt me. We talked for a little bit while laying on the bed tonight and we both just ended up balling our eyes out. Right now we are just stuck in this funk. He's got problems, I've got problems and WE've got problems. It's hard. I left a not in his lunch bag tonight, I hope that it puts a smile on his face. We will survive this. I have faith in our relationship. Nothing is too big for us to tackle. I love him, he loves me and that's all that matters. We are soul mates. WE CAN DO ANYTHING. I'm off to bed. -Tina 12:41 a.m. - 04.26.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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